Indiana Jones And The Deluge Of Old Person Jokes

It's as official as anything can be three years out from release: Disney/Lucasfilm are making a fifth Indiana Jones movie, with Steven Spielberg directing and Harrison Ford starring.

Most people--"fans" especially--are bemoaning its existence. "He's too old", "The fourth one was awful, kill the franchise with fire", or "The third one should have been the last one" are so ubiquitous that I'm not even going to link to them. Just google it or search Twitter/Facebook/Instagram and you'll be inundated with Indy 5 hate.

This is the point that irks me the most: the theory that there shouldn't be another Indiana Jones movie. That the original "trilogy", which was never officially announced or planned as a trilogy, should be all there is to say about Indiana Jones and his adventures.

Oh this? This is just an officially sanctioned and produced entire television series from the original creative team. But no, they just wanted to tell three stories, sure. Sure. 

Here's the thing though. The very idea of the character and his adventures is that they should continue indefinitely. Do me a favor and read what I consider pretty much the holy grail (see what I did there?) of Indiana Jones information. The original story conference between Lucas, Spielberg, and Kasdan from 1978.

Go ahead. I'll wait.

SEE? SEE?!! Does that sound like the plans of three guys who just wanted to tell three stories? Keep in mind, all of the ideas they come with in this story conference were for ONE MOVIE THAT GOT SPLIT AMONG THE THREE MOVIES WE GOT! That's right--they were interested in creating a character that essentially had an endless series of adventures, and that's the entire (and only!) point:

LUCAS:
Generally, the concept is a serial idea.  Done like the Republic serials.  As a thirties serial. 
Which is where a lot of stuff comes from anyway.  One of the main ideas was to have, depending on
whether it would be every ten minutes or every twenty minutes, a sort of a cliffhanger situation
that we get our hero into.  If it's every ten minutes we do it twelve times.            

Obviously he's technically talking about the one movie. But the entire concept, again, was to have a character in exciting situations AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE. 

And see how he mentions the Republic serials? What are those, you might ask? Check it out:

Republic Pictures

Number	Serial Title	Year	Chapters	Genre	Director	Cast	Notes
1	Darkest Africa	1936	15	Jungle	B. Reeves Eason and Joseph Kane	Clyde Beatty	Semi-sequel to Mascot's The Lost Jungle
2	Undersea Kingdom	1936	12	Fantasy	B. Reeves Eason and Joseph Kane	Ray Corrigan
3	The Vigilantes Are Coming	1936	12	Western	Ray Taylor and Mack V. Wright	Robert Livingston and Kay Hughes
4	Robinson Crusoe of Clipper Island	1936	14	Maritime	Ray Taylor and Mack V. Wright	Ray Mala
5	Dick Tracy	1937	15	Crime	Ray Taylor and Alan James	Ralph Byrd	Based on the comic strip "Dick Tracy"
6	The Painted Stallion	1937	12	Western	Ray Taylor, Alan James and William Witney	Ray Corrigan
7	S.O.S. Coast Guard	1937	12	Maritime, Science fiction	Alan James and William Witney	Bela Lugosi and Ralph Byrd
8	Zorro Rides Again	1937	12	Western	William Witney and John English	John Carroll	Based on "Zorro" created by Johnston McCulley
9	The Lone Ranger	1938	15	Western	William Witney and John English	Lee Powell	Based on the radio series The Lone Ranger
10	The Fighting Devil Dogs	1938	12	Science fiction	William Witney and John English	Lee Powell and Herman Brix
11	Dick Tracy Returns	1938	15	Crime	William Witney and John English	Ralph Byrd	Based on the comic strip "Dick Tracy"
12	Hawk of the Wilderness	1938	12	Jungle	William Witney and John English	Herman Brix and Ray Mala	Based on the novel by William L. Chester
13	The Lone Ranger Rides Again	1939	15	Western	William Witney and John English	Robert Livingston	Based on the radio series The Lone Ranger
14	Daredevils of the Red Circle	1939	12		William Witney and John English	Charles Quigley, Herman Brix and David Sharpe
15	Dick Tracy's G-Men	1939	15	Crime	William Witney and John English	Ralph Byrd	Based on the comic strip "Dick Tracy"
16	Zorro's Fighting Legion	1939	12	Western	William Witney and John English	Reed Hadley	Based on "Zorro" created by Johnston McCulley
17	Drums of Fu Manchu	1940	15	Yellow peril Mystery	William Witney and John English	Henry Brandon	Based on Fu Manchu created by Sax Rohmer
18	Adventures of Red Ryder	1940	12	Western	William Witney and John English	Don "Red" Barry	Based on the comic strip "Red Ryder"
19	King of the Royal Mounted	1940	12	Northern	William Witney and John English	Allan Lane	Based on the comic strip "King of the Royal Mounted"
20	Mysterious Doctor Satan	1940	15	Superhero	William Witney and John English	Eduardo Ciannelli and Robert Wilcox	Originally intended as a Superman serial. First original Superhero film.
21	Adventures of Captain Marvel	1941	12	Superhero	William Witney and John English	Tom Tyler	Based on the Fawcett Comics character "Captain Marvel"; First ever Superhero film based on a comic.
22	Jungle Girl	1941	15	Jungle	William Witney and John English	Frances Gifford	Based on Nyoka the Jungle Girl by Edgar Rice Burroughs
23	King of the Texas Rangers	1941	12	Western	William Witney and John English	Slingin' Sammy Baugh
24	Dick Tracy vs. Crime, Inc.	1941	15	Crime	William Witney and John English	Ralph Byrd	Based on the comic strip "Dick Tracy"
25	Spy Smasher	1942	12	Spy, War	William Witney	Kane Richmond	Based on the Fawcett Comics character "Spy Smasher"
26	Perils of Nyoka	1942	15	Jungle Fantasy	William Witney	Kay Aldridge and Clayton Moore	Loosely based on Nyoka the Jungle Girl by Edgar Rice Burroughs
27	King of the Mounties	1942	12	Northern	William Witney	Allan Lane	Based on the comic strip "King of the Royal Mounted"
28	G-Men vs The Black Dragon	1943	15	Spy, War	William Witney	Rod Cameron
29	Daredevils of the West	1943	12	Western	John English	Allan Lane	Unavailable until 2011; restored by the Serial Squadron
30	Secret Service in Darkest Africa	1943	15	Jungle	Spencer Gordon Bennet	Rod Cameron
31	The Masked Marvel	1943	12	Superhero	Spencer Gordon Bennet	David Bacon
32	Captain America	1944	15	Superhero	Elmer Clifton and John English	Dick Purcell	Very loosely based on the Timely Comics character "Captain America"
33	The Tiger Woman	1944	12	Jungle	Spencer Gordon Bennet	Linda Stirling
34	Haunted Harbor	1944	15	Maritime Fantasy	Spencer Gordon Bennet	Kane Richmond and Kay Aldridge	Based on the novel by Ewart Adamson
35	Zorro's Black Whip	1944	12	Western, Superhero	Spencer Gordon Bennet	Linda Stirling	Based on "Zorro" created by Johnston McCulley
36	Manhunt of Mystery Island	1945	15	Pirate, Science fiction	Spencer Gordon Bennet	Linda Stirling
37	Federal Operator 99	1945	12	Crime	Spencer Gordon Bennet, Yakima Canutt & Wallace Grissell	Marten Lamont
38	The Purple Monster Strikes	1945	15	Science fiction	Spencer Gordon Bennet and Fred C. Brannon	Dennis Moore and Linda Stirling
39	The Phantom Rider	1946	12	Western	Spencer Gordon Bennet and Fred C. Brannon	Robert Kent and Peggy Stewart
40	King of the Forest Rangers	1946	12	Adventure	Spencer Gordon Bennet and Fred C. Brannon
41	Daughter of Don Q	1946	12	Crime	Spencer Gordon Bennet and Fred C. Brannon	Kirk Alyn
42	The Crimson Ghost	1946	12	Science fiction	William Witney and Fred C. Brannon	Clayton Moore and Linda Stirling
43	Son of Zorro	1947	13	Western, Superhero	Spencer Gordon Bennet and Fred C. Brannon		Based on "Zorro" created by Johnston McCulley
44	Jesse James Rides Again	1947	13	Western	Fred C. Brannon	Clayton Moore and Linda Stirling
45	The Black Widow	1947	13	Science fiction Fantasy	Spencer Gordon Bennet and Fred C. Brannon
46	G-Men Never Forget	1948	12	Crime	Fred C. Brannon	Clayton Moore
47	Dangers of the Canadian Mounted	1948	12	Northern	Fred C. Brannon
48	Adventures of Frank and Jesse James	1948	13	Western	Fred C. Brannon	Clayton Moore
49	Federal Agents vs. Underworld, Inc	1949	12	Crime	Fred C. Brannon	Kirk Alyn
50	Ghost of Zorro	1949	12	Western, Superhero	Fred C. Brannon	Clayton Moore	Based on "Zorro" created by Johnston McCulley
51	King of the Rocket Men	1949	12	Science fiction	Fred C. Brannon	Tristram Coffin	First of the "Rocket Man" serials
52	The James Brothers of Missouri	1949	12	Western	Fred C. Brannon	Keith Richards
53	Radar Patrol vs Spy King	1949	12	Spy	Fred C. Brannon	Kirk Alyn
54	The Invisible Monster	1950	12	Science fiction	Fred C. Brannon	Richard Webb
55	Desperadoes of the West	1950	12	Western	Fred C. Brannon	Tom Keene
56	Flying Disc Man from Mars	1950	12	Science fiction	Fred C. Brannon	Walter Reed
57	Don Daredevil Rides Again	1951	12	Western	Fred C. Brannon	Ken Curtis	Loosely based on "Zorro" created by Johnston McCulley
58	Government Agents vs. Phantom Legion	1951	12	Spy	Fred C. Brannon	Walter Reed
59	Radar Men from the Moon	1952	12	Science fiction	Fred C. Brannon	George D. Wallace and Clayton Moore
60	Zombies of the Stratosphere	1952	12	Science fiction	Fred C. Brannon	Judd Holdren and Leonard Nimoy
61	Jungle Drums of Africa	1953	12	Jungle	Fred C. Brannon	Clayton Moore and Phyllis Coates
N/A	Commando Cody: Sky Marshal of the Universe	1953	12	Science fiction	Harry Keller, Fred C. Brannon and Franklin Adreon	Judd Holdren, Aline Towne and Richard Crane	A syndicated TV series of self-contained (no cliffhangers) episodes relying mostly on footage re-cycled from the three earlier (1949–1952) "Rocket Man" theatrical chapterplays. For contractual reasons, it was initially given a brief theatrical release as a feature before going to TV in 12 episodes.
62	Canadian Mounties vs. Atomic Invaders	1953	12	Northern, Spy	Franklin Adreon	Bill Henry
63	Trader Tom of the China Seas	1954	12	Maritime	Franklin Adreon	Harry Lauter and Aline Towne
64	Man with the Steel Whip	1954	12	Western	Franklin Adreon	Dick Simmons	Loosely based on "Zorro" created by Johnston McCulley
65	Panther Girl of the Kongo	1955	12	Jungle, Science fiction	Franklin Adreon	Phyllis Coates
66	King of the Carnival	1955	12	Crime, Spy	Franklin Adreon	Harry Lauter

That is a list of the serials Republic made, all of which had chapters totaling at least 12. They were a half hour each. So even if you want to be pedantic about it and say they would have to match the output of their inspiration, Lucas and Spielberg went into this with the theory in the back of their minds that they could make AT LEAST six movies (12 chapters at a half hour each) to cover ONE entire Indiana Jones 'serial'.

Add to that the comparisons made to James Bond. Spielberg and Lucas have  said  that this is the American James Bond. And to date, there are 24 Bond movies, with no end in sight.

My point is--complaining that there is another Indiana Jones movie is simply disingenuous to the spirit and inspiration of the character, including the intentions of the filmmakers all those "fans" swear to lionize. Spielberg and Ford want to continue doing them. So they're doing them.

And you know what? Even though Ford will be 77 when the film comes out, I'm sure it will be pretty good. All of the films are either good (the first three) or at least have some great moments (Crystal Skull). Without the influence of latter-day Lucas, and with Spielberg and Ford still capable of making some pretty great movies (Lincoln, The Force Awakens, etc., etc. ), there's no reason to think this won't be at least two hours of fun.

Ford is going strong at 75-ish. He was phenomenal in The Force Awakens. Even if he's creaky and slow, he's still Harrison Ford playing Indiana Jones and he will entertain the hell out of us.

I admit to being heavily biased, but right now, there's no reason to not look forward to the continuation of Indiana Jones' adventures.

Until the inevitable talk of a reboot gets underway. Then we'll talk.

Aladdin And The Curse Of The Sequels

REVIEW

An odd choice for a first post, I'll warrant. But it's a subject I don't see covered much anywhere else!

Aladdin, the 1992 masterpiece from Disney, is untouchable in its grace, beauty, and humor. And a lot of people seem to overlook that it's a great classic adventure tale to boot.

And so it's sad to see its first sequel, "The Return of Jafar"*, is such an abysmal failure. On every level. There really isn't much to recommend this film's existence, let alone spending your precious time (or your child's precious time at that) to watch it.

The animation, besides some obvious(though still relatively lackluster) 'show reel' segments apparently designed to interest Robin Williams in returning to his iconic role (a task that failed miserably as the Genie is somewhat ably, though totally forgettably, voiced by The Simpsons' Dan Castellaneta) and/or assure Disney's board that the sequel to one of their biggest hits was NOT, in fact, an atrocious blemish on the face of Disney Animation's usually ironclad reputation, is simply lazy at best and downright sloppy at worst. This does not look like a Disney film, this looks like a kid's daily animated series churned out with speed and efficiency in mind as opposed to quality (the reason why became obvious later as we'll see below!).

The characterization is equally bottom-of-the-barrell; Jasmine is reduced to a milquetoast damsel-in-distress, Aladdin a wishy-washy nonentity, and, seemingly to entice the only 'name' actor to return for the sequel when Williams bowed out, Gilbert Gottfried's Iago, of all characters, is given the bulk of the redemptive character arc story work here, and it's not enough of a skeleton to hang a story on. We simply have no reason to care that much. The wonderful Johnathon Freeman is totally wasted as Jafar's titular Return is neither earned nor impactful. The Genie returns from his world travels hinted at at the end of the original just because, at a point in the story that makes no impact on either the story or the characters. He just shows up because it's an Aladdin movie and people expect the Genie to be in it.

The songs are awkward, too; gone are the obviously brilliant show-stoppers crafted by Alan Menken and Howard Ashman the first go-round. The whole affair is a forgettable mess, not helped by the lately-acquired knowledge that it was cobbled together from material that would have served as the first five episodes of the animated series.

That's no excuse. This was Disney's first direct-to-video release. Disney, in 1995, was still on top as the premiere source for animated entertainment (soon to be eclipsed less than a year later by eventual acquisition Pixar) and should have produced something, if not perfect, then at least enviable in its execution and overall quality. Instead we got a trashy, messy embarrassment that should have killed Disney's direct-to-video aspirations in its tracks.

It didn't, of course. And that's where they got a chance to redeem themselves...

...with the SECOND official sequel to Aladdin: Aladdin and the King of Thieves.**

Robin Williams is back, for starters, and he brings such a boisterous sense of off-the-wall, mile-a-minute energy that you wish the lackluster/rushed-looking animation could keep up with him. If I were to have one major complaint with this one, it's the animation; while not as sloppy and clearly rushed as "Return of Jafar", it's nowhere near the level of artistry and grace that defines the best of Disney animation (and the original Aladdin). There's one shot in particular--when the head Palace Guard turns away from the den of the forty thieves, but the camera pushes past two horses who lower their heads to reveal him--that clearly defines the gap between well-intentioned storyboards and the final product. It doesn't land, but hey, they tried!

Aside from that and some less-than-show-stopping music (especially this overly-treacly affair), what you've got with King Of Thieves is a rollicking old fashioned adventure movie replete with MacGuffins (the Oracle, the Hand of Midas) tied directly to the characters' growth and story arc (which the best adventure movies nail effortlessly).

This time, the infamous Forty Thieves crash Aladdin and Jasmine's wedding in order to obtain one of the wedding gifts--The Oracle (a gem/staff that will answer any question you have), so that the King of Thieves can find the REAL treasure--the Hand Of Midas, which, as you might guess, turns everything to gold.

Aladdin decides to use the Oracle himself to answer the nagging question of his parentage and finds out his dear old dad is actually with the Forty Thieves, so he rushes off to save him, only to discover that, in fact, his dad is the titular King. An engaging, emotionally-driven adventure ensues, and everyone learns some pretty good life lessons along the way while engaging in exciting action, mild mystery, and impressive set pieces.

It's not perfect--far from it--but you could do FAR worse when looking for an animated adventure. The adventure story at its heart is solid. The Genie is underused, but when you have a character that can basically do anything, you're sort of forced to sideline him (in this case, by making him caught up in his own zaniness) otherwise your entire story and main characters' struggles will be one case of Deus Ex Machina after another. So a small quibble.

So when/if your kid has a hankering for more Aladdin-themed adventure, remember two things: the King Of Thieves YES, Return of Jafar NO.


*that's a link to buy the DVD, but please, don't buy the DVD.

**that's a link to buy the DVD. Go ahead and buy it.

All Screens, All The Time

Ever notice that your life is slowly morphing into an intense staring contest with one screen or another?

They're everywhere, I tell you.

You're looking at one RIGHT NOW!

Well someone has to comment on what's happening on those screens. Possibly via some sort of gigantic worldwide source of information that we have access to at our fingertips 24/7. I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure this is in like, the top nine percent of the most original ideas of all time, this commenting-on-things-you-can-watch-or-read thing.

Byline: NAILED IT.

So come along on this unprecedented journey into the unknown! Marvel at well-reasoned opinions from a media industry veteran!

See overwrought opinions on the genius of films others deem nigh-unwatchable! Or the crappy opinions on TV shows you think are brilliant but are actually crap!

Gather around the boob tube/LCD screen/touchscreen/outdoor installation/movie theater screen and then read what you should have thought of them later!

Also please don't tell anyone my idea--can you imagine the competition if other people knew they could share their opinions online?!